The following is a play I wrote in February about a terrifying scenario that professional prognosticators could not predict.
Trump that Pussy!
A Prophecy in Ten Minutes or Less, Guaranteed
by CT Casberg
Huge Pussy male, a fat cat in a suit, newly President of America
Knob male, a mouse and Huge Pussy supporter
Pippy female, a mouse and Huge Pussy skeptic
Bodyguard male, a large, intimidating cat
Scarf Protestor female, a mouse protestor wearing a scarf
Chorus Left/Left Crowd Small crowd of mice that oppose Huge Pussy
Chorus Right/Right Crowd Small crowd of mice that support Huge Pussy
Steps of U.S. Capitol Building
Inauguration Day, January 2016. Afternoon
[It’s inauguration day in America, and the new president HUGE PUSSY stands at the podium to deliver a speech to the country. To his right is a stand filled with supporters, and to his left is a stand filled with opponents.. KNOB and PIPPY enter just as HUGE PUSSY begins to speak. BODYGUARD stands behind the president. SCARF JOURNALIST sits in the left stand. Patriotic music plays in the background.]
KNOB: Hurry, Pippy! He’s about to start.
PIPPY: Ugh. I can’t believe you dragged me to this. I didn’t vote for that guy. He’s a creep.
KNOB: Ah, don’t be a loser. That Huge Pussy is our future. He’s gonna make this country great again, just you watch. Now come sit down with me.
[KNOB points to the stand on the right]
PIPPY: Double ugh! No way. Those guys all love that Huge Pussy. They’re all crazy. They voted for a cat! A fucking cat! I don’t feel safe around them.
[PIPPY looks around.]
PIPPY: I’m going to go sit with that crowd on the left. I know some of those guys. They’re journalists. They hate Huge Pussy…Heck, I’m surprised they got invited to sit so close to him!
KNOB: Shh-shh-shh. He’s starting. Come on!
[KNOB grabs Pippy by the wrist and leads her to the stand on the right.]
PIPPY: (Grumbling): Patriarchy!
[Huge Pussy clears his throat into the microphone. A sudden gust of wind blows the large, tumorous wig on his head to the side, but he doesn’t notice. He grins at the crowds.]
HUGE PUSSY: My fellow Americans.
[The crowd to the right goes wild. The crowd to the left is stoic. PIPPY face-palms.]
HUGE PUSSY: I want to tell ya, they said it couldn’t be done. Buncha losers. The other guys, the other guys spend hundreds of millions of dollars just to lose. Losers! I didn’t get credit from them. They said it couldn’t be done. They said I couldn’t win.
[The crowd to the right boos.]
HUGE PUSSY: I don’t care. I didn’t care. I didn’t need them. I did this all myself. I funded myself. I don’t have donors. I don’t have any special interests. But here I am. I’m a self-made cat, America. I’m what you need, and here I am. President of the United States. And I tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna clean up this country. I’m gonna make it great again.
[The crowd to the right cheers.]
PIPPY: Oh my god. Four years. We have four years of this left.
KNOB: Hey, shut up. Don’t let people hear you talk like that.
PIPPY: What’re they going to do, deport me? We’re on live television here. They can’t do shit to me.
[The cheering subsides and President HUGE PUSSY resumes his speech.]
HUGE PUSSY: The first thing we’re gonna do—the very first thing—we’re gonna deport all those Mexicans. Then we’re gonna bring ‘em back to build a wall, deport ‘em again, and make ‘em pay for it all.
PIPPY: (Whispering) That doesn’t make any sense!
HUGE PUSSY: Now people said you couldn’t trust a fat cat. I want to tell ya, they’re all fat cats. Every one of them. The Democrats. The Republicans. They’re all fat cats. They all want to cheat you. We’re all getting ripped off here. They’re ripping America off, and it’s the fat cats that are letting it happen. Yeah, I’m a fat cat. But I’m your fat cat, America. I’m always honest with you. They’re all liars, but I’m honest with you. I’m gonna be honest with you, and we’re gonna make America great again.
[The right crowd boos. SCARF PROTESTOR stands up and starts shouting]
SCARF PROTESTOR: Boo! You’re the liar! Boo! You’re full of shit!
[The right crowd boos. HUGE PUSSY shrugs.]
HUGE PUSSY: Is that a protestor? Hey, that’s the great thing about America. Freedom of speech. But it’s my turn to talk, sweetie. What a phony. These phonies, I tell ya. Trying to stop my freedom of speech. Real stupid.
SCARF PROTESTOR: You’re the phony! You’re a loser!
HUGE PUSSY: Get her out of here. We’ve got important things to talk about.
[BODYGUARD apprehends SCARF PROTESTOR and hauls her off stage.]
HUGE PUSSY: (Waving) Bye bye! Bye bye!
PIPPY: Triple ugh. This is gross. I want to leave.
KNOB: Hey, she interrupted the president. It’s her fault.
HUGE PUSSY: I’d like to smack the hell out of people like that. Hey, you see someone insulting our country like that, you slap ‘em down. I tell ya, I’m tired of people trying to push America around. We got Iran pushing us around. We got China pushing us around. We got stupid leaders making our military weak. Now that I’m in charge, that’s over. That’s over.
KNOB: Alright! Now that’s what I’m talking about!
[BODYGUARD returns, licking his paws and wearing a familiar scarf]
HUGE PUSSY: We’re gonna make our country stronger than ever before. We’re gonna stop the Muslims. They’re taking over Europe. We’re gonna stop that. We’re gonna stop the Mexicans. They’re taking over America, and the politicians don’t want to do anything about it. They’re all messed up. Well no more. We’re gonna stop that.
PIPPY: He’s going in circles. I think his circuits are malfunctioning. (pause) Or maybe it’s just syphilis.
HUGE PUSSY: My opponents in the race, I tell ya. They got all politically correct. It’s this political correctness that’s killing us. Our enemies are animals and they’re killing us. I’m not gonna let that happen anymore. These journalists (points to left crowd), these idiots are gonna attack me for saying this, but I’m not gonna let political correctness stop us. Bad guys are cutting off heads and we have to play nice and make them tea? Not anymore. We’re gonna give it back to them. No more political correctness. None of this “but that’s torture” whiny bullcrap.
[Right crowd cheers. Left crowd murmurs uncomfortably.]
HUGE PUSSY: You losers ain’t gonna get a chance to stop me. We’re gonna make America great again.
[It turns out the left stand is a giant mousetrap. It springs and pulverizes all the mice sitting there. Blood and guts everywhere. The right crowd cheers.]
PIPPY: Holy shit!
KNOB: Holy shit!
PIPPY: That’s it, I’m out of here.
KNOB: Hey, Pippy wait!
[Pippy tries to leave the stand, but BODYGUARD takes her arm and drags her off stage.]
KNOB: (Controlled breaths). Okay! Nothing to worry about. This is perfectly normal. She was being disrespectful. This is America, you have to respect people. And you gotta clear out the losers somehow.
HUGE PUSSY: You know what happened the other day? You know what happened? A woman comes up to me, this sweet little woman, and she says this. She says, ‘Mr. Pussy.’ I tell her, call me ‘Yuge.’ She says ‘Mr. Yuge, my papa was Grand Wizard of Mississippi, and he’d be so proud to see you in the White House!’ Isn’t that great? I got royalty in America that loves me. Dead people love. Alive people love me. I can take people either way.
[Right crowd cheers. BODYGUARD returns, licking his paws. He whispers something in HUGE PUSSY’s ear.]
HUGE PUSSY: Sounds like we got a bunch of losers in the stands today. You can’t get in the way of America winning. Not with me in charge. I tell ya, you can’t trump this pussy!
KNOB: As long as I’m with the winner crowd, it’s all gonna be okay!
[Right stand is also a mousetrap. It springs and kills everyone. Blood! Guts!]
HUGE PUSSY: I tell you what, America. People don’t wanna hear me tell it like it is. They wanna be losers. No more losing. We’re gonna be great again.
[Wind blows HUGE PUSSY’s toupee around. Curtain closes.]